


What Happens In Paradise

by slimitnewt



Category: The Maze Runner (2014), The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Brotherhood, F/M, M/M, Romance, Sadness, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-18 15:04:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2352659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slimitnewt/pseuds/slimitnewt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck's dead. Newt's dead. Teresa's dead. And even though they're safe and sound in Paradise, Thomas can't bear this place anymore. Too much people and things reminds him of all he'd lost. And he misses Newt so much...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys !! Here's what I've been up to... Please read and tell me what you think about it !!

Once again, he turned to see if someone was following him. But once again, he was only surrounded by darkness. So he began to run, and accelerated, and took the little dirt track that drove at the bottom of the cliff. He was breathless, but he NEEDED to run, he had to get everything out of his mind, but he couldn’t, his brain was like that giant maze they were trapped in a few months ago. He didn’t find a way out of this labyrinth of suffering, and guilt, and sorrow. He wasn’t able to do, see or think about anything else but all he’d lost and killed him. 

When he arrived on the small beach of a creek, he fell on his knees and let it all out. His eyes filled with tears and he couldn’t breathe, his lungs couldn’t get fresh air, and it seemed to him that he was dying. Face on hands, he realized he had blood on his hands. Newt’s blood. He’d killed his best friend. “No, no, no…” he whispered, trying so hard to make the blood disappear. He got up and walked quickly to the sea. He was up to his knees with water, but he continued to advance, and waves were breaking on him as if he was a rock.

His hands were red, a so dark red, the blood had dried on them and he couldn’t wash it away. He put his whole arms on the water and scrubbed them against each other so fiercely it hurt, but he had to wash it. He had to. He couldn’t stand seeing the proof that he had killed his best friend. He did it. He took his life. He put a bullet through his brain and ran away from his body. He was a coward. He should have told someone what he’d done. But he couldn’t tell Minho. Minho wouldn’t forgive him. And Minho was all he had left. He couldn’t afford to lose him too.

“Please, just…. Please” he whispered in the cold dark night as the blood on his arms was just enlarging to his elbows. It wouldn’t go. The blood wouldn’t go. “Come on” his voice cracked and he cried again. He hated himself, he couldn’t bear himself. How could he still be alive when so many people he loved had died for him? But the blood couldn’t be diluted; it seemed to him that it’d turned in a scab that would never heal.

“I’m sorry” he murmured in a trembling voice, he wasn’t cold but he couldn’t stop crying. He thought that maybe the words would help the blood to vanish in the water, but it did nothing and Thomas wasn’t sad anymore. He was angry, exhausted, and so tired of everything. He’d done what Newt wanted him to do.

“You killed me” he heard, and the surprise made him fall completely in the freezing water. Waves stuck him under a few seconds, and when he finally got back to the surface, he found his breath again. “You killed me Tommy” the voice repeated, and he recognized Newt’s voice in the dark. But he wasn’t there. “You asked me” Thomas moaned, and this time he was shaking because of the low temperature of his body. “You asked me” he repeated several times, each time louder. “YOU ASKED ME” he finally shouted. His own voice bounced on the huge rocks that surrounded him, and as it came back to him, a wave broke on him, and he was under water again. In a last effort, he thrust his nails in his arms, and scratched them to make the blood disappear, but he couldn’t see if it worked, so he continued until he had no strength anymore. 

He was good there. He wasn’t cold anymore. He didn’t feel like he was dying on the inside. He was just in the water, and he could drown right now, he didn’t give a damn anymore. Life was just so full of pain, and he couldn’t handle the pain anymore. So he didn’t try to go back on the beach. He stayed here, waiting for Newt to come and they would go together and never come back to this shitty world.

But there was Minho. Minho would understand, he thought. Minho always understood everything; he was always okay with all his choices, this one would just be another choice. The last one, he guessed. But he didn’t know about Newt, and he deserved to know the truth, and if Thomas died, he wouldn’t ever be able to know what happened to his best friend. “I can’t go back there” he thought. He couldn’t go back with the others, pretending that he was alright. It wasn’t true, he wasn’t alright, he was so far from alright, and he felt like he would never be alright again. Except in the water. He was good there.

He felt the waves pushing him in a direction, and on the other. He couldn’t breathe anymore, but he didn’t care. He felt something heavy hitting his chest, but he was okay with that, he could handle a little physical pain for one last time.

 

 

**

 

“THOMAS” Minho shouted again in vain. He knew his shrieks were useless, but he needed to scream, he needed to let his fear out of him, because he didn’t want to cry in front of so many people. “You found something?” Brenda asked, breathless as she came back to him. “No! Not in the forest, not in the homestead, nowhere! Where did he go?”. Minho was desperate. He’d already lost Newt, he couldn’t lose Thomas. “Did you try the cliff?” Brenda asked, trying to catch her breath. “I went to the cliff, no Thomas!

-And at the bottom of it?

-He doesn’t know the way to go there…

-Of course he knows it, he showed me before I showed you…

-WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE?”

Before Brenda could answer, he ran to the hidden path to the bottom of the cliff. Horrible things crossed Minho’s mind. What if Thomas jumped? What if he wanted to die? He couldn’t disappear just to mess with him. Minho saw how Thomas was doing these last few days and he wasn’t good at all. He was always alone, he refused to talk to everyone, he hid to cry and he heard him during the night, shouting, moaning, crying, and only one thing was understandable in all this. Newt. He always said his friend’s name, and it killed Minho to realize how much he missed him.

He ran along the path, trying not to fall, he didn’t need to break one of his bones right now. He stopped when he arrived on the creek; it was a little darker than on the top of the cliff due to the hidden morning sun, but he still could see. “THOMAS!” he shouted again, and his voice echoed against the huge rocks that surrounded him. Thomas couldn’t have just vanished during the night; he had to be somewhere out there.

Minho took a few steps forward, looking for something, anything that would tell him Thomas was here, or had been here. “Thomas?” Minho asked more quietly. He felt Thomas's presence, he knew he was here. So, he looked behind every single rock.

He found him ten minutes later. He was hunched against a big rock; head on the sand. His whole body was soaked, and he didn’t seem to breathe. Brenda arrived at this very moment. “You found him?” she asked very scared of meeting him. Minho turned Thomas’s body, so he was lying on his back, and put his ear against his chest to listen to his heart. It was beating. Very, very slowly. But it was beating. “We need to bring him to Jeff” he said more for himself than for Brenda. He took Thomas’s hand in his and a terrified look made Brenda shiver. “He’s freezing; we need to take him up there”. Brenda didn’t move, and so did Minho. They were both incapable of doing anything. “I…” Brenda whispered, showing the path behind her. “GO! WE NEED GALLY, OR FRYPAN I DON’T CARE, JUST GO, I CAN'T CARRY HIM ON MY OWN!”. Brenda said nothing; she just turned back and ran back to the top of the cliff. 

Minho held Thomas’s hand so tight he could feel his frail heartbeat, but his skin was so cold and so pale. “You didn’t do that… please” he said as he looked for something to help him. He needed to warm him up, he needed to save him. Minho rested Thomas back against one of the biggest rock and he took off his jacket to wrap Thomas in it. But as he covered his forearms, he saw blood on both of them. He rolled up Thomas’ sleeve, he saw a dozen of graze on each of his arms, and they were all bleeding. A lot. How did he do that? To himself? Minho realized how bad Thomas felt, and it just hit him as if he’d been stung by a griever, the venom spilled in his body so fast, and what hurt the most was that he didn’t see it. He didn’t see that his only friend left felt that bad and he didn’t even know why. Except for the fact that they’d been used as laboratory rats for a couple of years, and that he’d seen several of his friends die… He had pretty good reasons to feel more bad than good, but Minho didn’t feel that way, he didn’t want to die, or hurt himself. So he was wondering… What happened to him? Maybe he just fell of the cliff, Minho thought, but it was ridiculous, Thomas wouldn’t walk along a deep void unless he wanted to die… And so he was coming back to the same conclusion.

“What did you do?” Minho whispered. He took his shirt off and tore it into two. He bandaged Thomas’s right arm, and then the left one, trying not to shudder with fear. He didn’t want his only friend to die, not now. He needed him to be alive. One more time, he took Thomas’s hand, and tried to sense his heartbeat, but this time, there was none. Nothing. He tightened his grip, but he still felt nothing. “No…no” Minho sighed desperately, his eyes filled with tears, but he drove it out with his hands. “NO” he roared out and laid Thomas on his back again. He packed Thomas’s chest tightly with both hands and went back up. He did this several times, listened to his heartbeat, and did it again until he heard something.

Thomas was coughing. He was breathing. He was alive. “Thomas!” Minho exclaimed as he helped Thomas getting back seated. He hugged him so fiercely, he was relieved, he wasn’t dead. Thomas wasn’t dead. “What did you do Thomas? What happened?”. His friend was barely opening his eyes, but he was breathing in and out, and that was all that counted.

Minho took Thomas’s face in his hands and looked at him. Their sights crossed, and all Minho’s joy vanished immediately. Thomas’s pupils were dilated, it made his eyes so dark, and sorrowful. He looked at Minho like a wounded animal begging his life. “It’s okay Thomas, I’m here… You’re gonna be okay”. He waited for a reaction, and the one that came was the opposite of what he’d expected. Thomas looked away from him, and tears rolled over his cheeks. “You should have let me drown” he said and he fainted again. 

When Brenda came back, Minho was trying to carry Thomas as far as possible from the sea. He was alive, but he couldn’t do anything better here. “Here!” she said, and Minho saw Jorge running to him. He helped Minho carrying Thomas, and then Brenda helped them all along the way to Jeff. “Is he dead?” she said too scared to hide it. “No” Minho replied, always keeping a hand on Thomas's wrist to feel his pulse. “Okay, great…

-But he wanted to be…”

Jorge stopped on the way, shocked by Minho’s confession. Brenda did the same. “He kind of… slashed his wrists and forearms, I don’t know how… Can we just please talk about that later?”. The three of them went on, and Minho speeded up, because every minute they lost was a minute of Thomas dying.

 

Jeff said they couldn’t stay with Thomas. First, he needed to make sure he was not going to die frozen. Second, he had to clean up his scratches. And third, they would have to wait Thomas’s awakening. That was a lot of wait, and Minho had so much questions. Now, he was absolutely sure that Thomas had lived something far worse than he would admit, but he didn’t know what. He’d always been with him, except that one time when he had to go to WICKED on his own. Yet, Minho thought Newt had to do something in it, but they hadn’t seen Newt since the Crank Palace. So, he had two options. Either Thomas was going totally crazy after all they’d been through, or he had hidden something from him the whole time. He tried to imagine what could be awful enough to be suicidal, but he didn’t find. They were alive and it wasn’t enough? Minho had considered himself lucky to have a new chance, a new life. But what if Thomas couldn’t handle what he’d done or said? What if WICKED gave him his memory back after all, and what he discovered about himself was horrible enough to drive him insane?

Minho hadn’t got any answers, but he knew only one thing. He needed to protect Thomas from everything, especially himself.

 


	2. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for this second chapter, I read The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure again, and I saw we didn't know a lot about Brenda. So, I changed little things and created her own story. Hope you'll enjoy !!

They were all in front of the door, waiting for Jeff to come out. Jorge had taken a day off of his job. Gally had given the builders' control to one of the last gladers, and Minho, Brenda and the runners (they tried to call themselves explorers, because their job wasn’t to run, but explore the surroundings now), had declared they didn’t need to do it every day. So, they were all there when Jeff came out of Thomas’s room, and he wasn’t smiling. It was bad news, Minho thought, and he put his hands on his pockets not to show his stress. Brenda had done the same. Gally was staring at the white tiled floor. Although Thomas had disfigured and almost killed him, he didn’t hate him. He’d understood Thomas’s reaction towards him. He'd killed Chuck, and the spontaneity of this boy told him to hit Gally, which was fair, he thought. So he was staring at the floor, as did Jorge, when Jeff said: “He will recover…”. Brenda jumped in Minho’s arms. It’d been a whole week of not knowing, she was relieved, but Minho knew it was too easy to be true. He hugged Brenda back, but still stared at Jeff, who seemed concerned as he read something on a paper. Gally and Jorge were also waiting for the bad news, and it came. “Physically” Jeff finished in a whisper and Brenda faced him, worried about what he’d just said. “What do you mean physically?” she asked, a little too aggressively to Minho’s liking. “His body gets warmer every day and the grazes on his arms are slowly healing, that’s what I mean by physically…”. Brenda frowned. She looked angry at Jeff, but she was so scared on the inside. This time she said nothing, and Jeff went on, a worried look in the eyes. “The thing is… He did this to himself, the grazes… It seems like he scratched his arms, and the wounds are very deep… It looks like… he did this to bleed. So, he’s gonna be okay physically… But not psychologically, not yet anyway”.

No one talked. They all stared at each other as if it was going to help, or answer all the questions they all had. Minho was biting his tongue, trying not to shout at everyone. He had so many things to say, and at the same time, what could he say? He wanted to know the WHY, but no one knew except for Thomas himself, and he didn’t want to ask him, because first, he didn’t want hurt him more, and second, because he knew Thomas wouldn’t tell him anything.

“Is he awake?” Brenda finally said, she was staring at Jeff in a defiant look. “Yes, but…he doesn’t want to see anyone” Jeff replied and then he went to another room, where he took another file. “What was that?” Brenda exclaimed in fury. “Is he some kind of doctor or something?” she raised her arms and let them fall on her flanks. “Yes, he is!” Jorge said. “And you’d better calm down if you don’t want him to kick you out of here!”. Minho didn’t say anything but he was thinking the same. Brenda was so loud when she was angry. “But I don’t care of being kicked out! I just want to see him…

-And he doesn’t want to see you… or any of us!”

Minho had cut up, and they all looked at him. He’d been quiet all along, but now he just needed them to shut up, and if they wouldn’t do it by themselves, he would make them. No one talked and so he went on. “I want to see him as well… And most of all, I want to understand. But if he needs time, we just have to give him time”. On that, he went out of the homestead. He was trying not to be angry at anyone, because it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Thomas was going crazy, he’d always been the strongest person he’d known, and now, without any explanations, he was going completely insane. Minho hated Thomas for inflicting that to him, but he couldn’t hate him for real. He was his friend, and he had to protect him.

Minho went to the humble house where he lived with Thomas, Brenda, Jorge and some of the runners –explorers- and laid down on his bed. He couldn’t do anything but wait, and that made him sick in his stomach. “What did you do shuck face?” he whispered for himself, and once again he imagined dozens of possibilities, about the HOW and the WHY. He needed Thomas to tell him.

After half an hour of thought, Minho decided to go through Thomas’s stuff. He immediately felt guilty about even thinking about it, but if his friend didn’t talk to him directly, his stuff would talk for him. So he opened the tiny closet Thomas shared with a runner –explorer- and looked for something. A clue, anything. He only found the bit of clothes Thomas had, and three note-books. Minho put away the clothes and kept the note-books, and then he went back on his bed and stared at them for a while. He wanted to open them, to see if Thomas had written something, if this was helpful, but he felt like he was about to betray him, and Thomas didn’t need another betrayal, ever.

He finally opened the one that seemed to be the oldest and read the first page. “ _What happens in Paradise_ ” it was written in a surprisingly beautiful handwriting, in capital letters. Minho turned the page.

_Day 1. Very busy today. They all slept on the cliff, I didn’t… I mean, I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t close an eye. Kept thinking that maybe it is another trap, that it is another trial, and that they observe us from somewhere else than the buildings we destroyed. Idk. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t._

_Day 2. I didn’t sleep again. I can’t, I think I’m afraid of closing my eyes, because idk what I’ll see then. Can’t risk seeing bad things. We’re safe now… I guess._

_Day 3. It’s not a trial. There aren’t any beetle blades. I searched last night, and I found none. At first, was relieved, but it feels like we’re doing it all over again. This time there’s no escape. We’re trapped here forever._

Minho turned a few pages, seeing _Day 15_ , _Day 30_ , _Day 40_. It was his diary. He closed the first one and took one of the others. He opened it in the middle and read.

_Day 103. Cant anymore. Help me. Please, just help me. He can’t know. He can’t._

Minho noticed the handwriting was not the same. The letters had the same shapes, he knew it was Thomas’s, but it was like he was shaking when he’d written these words. There were no phrases anymore, and he was asking for help. Who couldn’t know? And what? Minho turned the pages again. This time there was no date, only the same word all over the two sheets.

_NEWT_

It was written in capital letters, and when he touched the paper with his fingers, Minho felt that it was nearly torn at some points. He didn’t need to turn the page to know what was engraved on all the other pages. But he did it anyway. Newt’s name was all over the pages and when he noticed the strength with which he’d tortured the paper, Minho let a tear rolling down his face.

He could remember so clearly the last time he’d seen his best friend. But Newt wasn’t Newt anymore; he was one of those dangerous Cranks that invaded Denver after the Crank Palace episode. He’d shouted disgusting things at Thomas; he’d said so many things that weren’t… him. He knew Newt was a troubled soul, but the Flare had just made it worse.

He wished Newt was here, alive and sane. Then maybe Thomas wouldn’t be so torn, and he… they could be the mighty gladers again. Minho had always thought they’d all have a happy ending, but for now, it wasn’t the case at all. Thomas was crazy, Newt had disappeared, and him… he was completely lonely and angry. He wondered if he could find Newt somehow, but he was probably dead by now. This thought sank the giant hole in his chest. Every time he remembered this little blond-haired shuck face, he felt like he was dying a little more. He’d saved him once, with Alby, and that time he’d promised he would protect him against everything there ever was and would ever be, but he’d failed. Because he couldn’t protect Newt against what was inside him, he couldn’t protect someone that wanted to kill him.

In his head, the first real proof of Newt’s insanity reappeared. He could still feel Newt’s fist on his jaw, the pain that he felt at that very moment was more than just physical. “He’ll be gone for good very soon” he’d thought, and he’d made the most superhuman effort not to let his eyes fill with tears. And that was the most painful moment of his life, because he was so sure that this flare story was just another trial. But the proof was under his nose, and he couldn’t deny it anymore. So, he’d just done what he could do better, he’d faked being angry at his best friend. And that’d torn him apart.

And now he was just here, lying on a bed, staring at this name that had no meaning anymore. For the first time in forever, he cried. He was so tired of being the strong one that handled everything. He’d lost Newt, and he was about to lose Thomas too.

“Are you okay?”. Minho sat in a jump, and he saw Brenda standing in the door frame. Minho nodded and wiped off his tears. She came and sat down next to him, staring at the note books. “Is it Thomas’s?” she asked showing them. Once again, Minho nodded, he didn’t want to say anything to her, he didn’t like Brenda a lot, he didn’t know why. “I’m sorry” she sighed. “I shouldn’t have reacted this way… It’s just… When it comes to him I just…

-I know”

Minho cut her off, twice in a day. He didn’t intend to be mean this time, so he added. “I know how you feel about him… You just have to learn control”. Brenda looked at him, she didn’t expect him to say that. She didn’t know what he meant, but she didn’t reply, he was nice to her for once, and she wanted this to last a little more. “So, you didn’t answer… are you okay Minho?

-I guess”

She looked at him, a little insistent. “I don’t know what happened to him” he finally said, Brenda was certainly not the person who he wanted to talk to, but she was the closest person to Thomas now. “Something worse than we endured? Is that possible? I’m so lost right now… It kills him, and…” Minho inhaled heavily. “It kills me as well”. He hated himself for saying this as soon as it came out. Tears rolled down his face and he wasn’t able to make it stop. Brenda hugged him tight. “It’s gonna be okay” she whispered in a trembling voice. Her words were lies of course, but Minho needed to hear them.

“I promise we’ll figure out why he did this” she added after a while. He looked at her, he wanted to show her what he found in the diaries, but he already felt like he betrayed Thomas, so he said nothing. Instead of that, he said: “I’m sorry I’ve never been nice to you… I mean, you helped us all along, and I’ve never been grateful for that”. Brenda was surprised, sheknew Minho wasn't a bad person, but she’d never thought he was able to say this kind of words. “I understand your reticence” she answered. “Jorge and I were working for Wicked; I understand you didn’t like us”. Minho felt bad about the way he treated Brenda, he was so mean to her, whereas he wasn’t to Jorge. He’d accepted her in the explorers only because she’d proved she had a good sense of direction, and even though it seemed dumb, they needed this kind of person in his ranks. But otherwise, he despised her without really knowing why. Maybe it was the fact that she was on Wicked’s side during the scorch trials, or that she was always separating him from Thomas… He didn’t know, and he thought it was sad because she was a good person, and he knew it.

After a few minutes of silence, Minho stood and took the diaries to put them back in the closet. He turned and started to go. “Can I tell you something?” Brenda called out before he could go. He faced her and leaned on the door frame, waiting for her to talk. “I was there with you… all along”. Minho didn’t understand what she meant, where was she? When? Minho’s questions were surely readable on his face because she went on. “During the… preparation, I was there with you…

-What am I supposed to understand?

-I was part of the preparation, I was… one of the subjects. I should have gone on the Maze trial with group B… But I didn’t. Just after Chuck and Jenna’s arrival in the glades, Jonas, the boy who was supposed to be next, died. He had a heart attack, no one knew why, and how it happened, but he died… And so, they did a lot of simulations, and they saw that one less subject in each trial wasn’t changing anything, so they removed me from the program. Aris and Teresa weren’t okay with this, they kept saying that they should stick with the plan, that they were making a huge mistake, and Janson thought the same. But Rachel and Thomas insisted on the fact that I was useless in the maze, that I’d be better with people of Wicked, because I was still smart. Chancellor Paige had doubts, but she ended up listening to Thomas and Rachel…”

She stopped for a second, waiting for Minho’s reaction, but he was too shocked to say anything. He didn’t even know if she was telling the truth. “I owe him my life Minho. That’s why I’m so concerned about him. Rachel’s dead, but Thomas is alive and I’d do anything to pay back”. She sounded honest, Minho decided to trust her.

He thought about what she told him and he felt a little bit jealous. She’d never have to live with all these memories of the maze, the grievers, the loss they endured, everything that happened before the scorch trial. She seemed to hear his thoughts, because she looked outraged suddenly. “I forgot you didn’t want your memories back!” she said coldly. “What do you mean?” he replied, and he felt sorry for her, she was sincere, he could tell it by her facial expression. She wanted to cry so badly, but she was frowning and biting her lips to stop herself. “I was with you all along!” she exclaimed, her voice was trembling, and breaking at some points. “I was there, with you… we were all… friends! You, me, Newt, Beth, Siggy, Sonya… We were all friends! I was so good with you all, and you can’t imagine how it hurt when they told me I wasn’t going with you guys. Of course, I knew my life would be safe, and my mind as well… But they made all of you forget me, and I was the only one remembering how good it felt to be together…

-Why didn’t you tell me?

-Would you have believed me? Of course not! Because in this new life, you hate me!

-I don’t hate you Brenda…”

She was crying now, and he didn’t know if it was because of what she told him, or because they had been friends before, but he felt like he needed to comfort her. He made a step towards her, but she stood up and looked at him in the eyes. “I’d never been so happy the day Janson told me I had to go in the scorch with Jorge to help you! He told me he needed someone who knew the subjects, as he called you, and he introduced me to Jorge. I studied so hard to be the best help you could have. I was scared of course, because I had never been surrounded by a bunch of cranks, but honestly I didn’t care, because it meant that I was about to see you all again. Siggy, Newt, Winston… You… And the guy who saved my life! But everything was different, because I had to obey Jorge’s orders, and I had to shut up about my real identity. I was relieved when Thomas finally trusted me, because he saved me, and it was my turn to save him… But I was so sad that you and the other boys feared me, and I’m so sad that Newt died not knowing that...”

Minho took a step backward. Newt? What did she know about Newt? “How do you know Newt’s dead?

\- I don’t, but he probably is… It’s been months now Minho, and even if he’s still alive, he’s far past the gone, and we’ll never see him again.”

Minho was forced to agree; of course they would never see Newt again. They could be thousands of miles away from Denver and the Crank Palace.

They stared at each other again, both uncertain of what to do, or say. Minho found weird the idea that he’d been friend with Brenda and in the same time, he regretted his decision, he wanted his memories back now. He wanted to know Brenda in another way, without Thomas. He could accept this idea, he thought. “You were inseparable” she whispered. Minho understood she was talking about Newt and him, and he felt the hole growing inside him. Even without remembering each other, they had become friends.

And then she went out of the tiny house, leaving him a little bit more empty.

 


	3. Lies

“It looks a lot like Brittany” she said and sat down next to Thomas. He'd been on the cliff for hours, staring at the sea and the waves crashing on the rocks at the bottom of it. The sea (or ocean, they didn’t know) was furious today, and its noise was growing louder as the tide rose. It took Jeff a week more to let him out of the homestead. So, he’d lived two weeks without seeing anyone, and now he was just outside by himself, and he didn’t want to see anyone. He just wanted to be alone, was that too much to ask? In the homestead he’d always be surrounded by some kind of doctors, people he didn’t even know, the only one he’d recognized during those two weeks was Jeff, and he didn’t even know him that much. He wasn’t alone in this big ship that was Paradise, yet he felt so lonely. 

“What’s Brittany?” he answered, not looking back at her at all. He still thought of that night, when he was drowning and how it felt, and he was so angry at everyone for saving him. He wasn’t a good person, he didn’t deserve to live, but they saved him anyway.

“Small region of France before the Sun Flares” she told him and stared at the sea, like him. Thomas was playing with his bandages; his arms were wrapped of it to protect his scratches. It was painful, but the blood he saw on them wasn’t there anymore. It was all gone, and that was what he considered as a victory.

“What’s France?” he said, nervously torturing a thread near his wrist. “Doesn’t matter” Brenda answered and the conversation was over. She wanted to speak with him, but she didn’t know what to say. Talking about that night would be a big mistake, and talking about Newt would be worse. But these were the two topics she needed to accost with him.

“Found that in the path the other day” Brenda finally said, holding out a piece of paper to Thomas. It was small, yellowed and a bit creased. Thomas observed it and recognized it a few seconds later. His heart skipped a bit, he thought it had vanished in the water when he tried to die. He thought he’d never see this again, and he’d never thought someone else would see it. He grabbed it violently and put it in one of his pockets. “I guess you read it” he said in an indifferent ton. Brenda knew he was faking it, of course he cared about that. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, and she knew she touched a sensitive point. “What was I supposed to tell you? That I killed him? That I knew EXACTLY what I was doing but I killed him anyway?”

-Thomas, it’s okay, you…

-OKAY? It's OKAY? How dare you? I can't bear myself anymore! I can't look Minho in the eyes without thinking that I shot his best friend! What am I supposed to do, huh? We have nothing left anymore. We're stuck here with a bunch of unknown people and our poor memories and the only person I REALLY appreciate would hate me if she knew what I did! So yeah, I'm very sorry Brenda, but it's NOT okay! Not at all!”

His eyes filled with tears. He was so mad at himself, but at the same time he was relieved that someone knew how he felt. He felt a tiny bit better now that he’d let out all his rage. “How do you feel?” she said, and as she faced him, he couldn’t find air anymore. “Oh my god…. What did I do?” he gasped. Tears rolled down his face, and he inhaled as hard as possible. “I killed him… I killed him” he bit his fist to feel a physical pain. It was always more bearable than the inside one. He had a panic attack. “Thomas” she said “Thomas, look at me”. He obeyed, still gasping for air. He felt like he was drowning again, without the water this time. “Look at me” she said again, almost as panicked as him. She inhaled, and exhaled, and repeated this again until he followed her. He breathed like her for a few minutes, until his heartbeat had calmed down. She took his hands and held them tightly. They stayed like this for a minute and then he finally found his breath again.

“He asked you to do it, okay? It was his decision” Brenda whispered, describing circles on the back of his hands with her thumbs. “You did what he wanted you to. You saved him from himself...”. Thomas looked at her, his eyes were watering. He didn’t know what to say. Maybe Brenda was right, Newt wanted this, he’d made his point long before he became too sick to be unaware of what he was asking for. He wanted to die, and Thomas helped him to. He wasn’t guilty of anything. No. Anything. Even if the image was still showing up in his dreams every night, he did what he had to.

“Did you tell Minho?” Thomas finally asked and Brenda shook her head to say no. “Do you think I have to?”. She sighed. Of course he had to, not only for Minho, but also for himself, he needed to tell Minho because if he didn’t he would become completely insane and he would lose this thing that linked them from the start. The absence of reaction was an answer to Thomas. He had to tell him, and he had to figure out a way to do it.

“I have to go” Brenda whispered after a few seconds. “The explorers found something on the north of the forests. Have to go back…”. She stood up, squeezed Thomas’s shoulder with her hand and ran to the homestead where Minho and the others were waiting for her.

 

**

 

Minho couldn’t sleep, something was bothering him and he didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was this weird box they found in the forest, it reminded him that time when they were all in the glade, waiting for a new greenie to come by every month. It was hard for him to leave these memories behind; he only had those, and the awful things that happened next. Maybe it was what Brenda told him a week ago about them being nearly best friends before all that. He didn’t talk to anyone about that. One night he considered asking Beth, because she had her memories back, but he restrained himself, thinking that he’d made his choice after all. Maybe it was the quick halting breathing of Thomas in the room. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he needed to sleep, because tomorrow was a big day with the explorers. They were going to go for the whole day, trying to find out the purpose of this box.

He stared at the ceiling, trying not to think about anything, but he had too many questions about everything. Some would never have any answers, because no one could tell them. He wanted to talk to Thomas; he wanted to have a real conversation with him, as it hadn’t happened for almost two months. He wanted to know why he kept his distance, and in the same time, he saw that Thomas was going through a hard time, and didn’t want to make him feel worse. Sometimes he thought he wasn’t a good friend, because friends were supposed to look after each other, but Minho had tried to comfort him several times and all Thomas did was pushing him away. So he just focused on his work. His new work.

He turned on his side as he felt sleep taking over him. The moon was lighting the room a little, and he saw Brenda, Jorge, Jason –one of the explorers- and Thomas. He was profoundly asleep, yet he had a worried wrinkle between his eyebrows. He was shifting in his bed. Minho knew he'd been having nightmares ever since they'd arrived here, but once again he didn’t know what to do to make things better. He was groaning, and moaning and sobbing. But he was asleep. Minho sat on his bed, cross-legged, looking at him like a father would watch his son sleeping. This image popped-up in his mind so naturally he thought for a second that even without Wicked’s assistance he could maybe recover a part of his memory. So, he looked at Thomas because he couldn’t do it any other time. He tried to find a sentence, something that could make him come back to him. But he didn’t find anything, he was too obsessed by the night he found him on the creek and the WHY that still had no answer.

When Minho lied again, he saw something strange. Thomas was up; he was standing right in front of him; staring at his hands. His lips were trembling and Minho noticed that his eyes were wide open. “Thomas are you okay?”. The boy said nothing; he kept looking at his hands, from the back to the palm. “Not again” Thomas murmured, and without saying anything else, he went out of the house. Minho couldn’t help it, he followed him.

“Not again” Thomas kept repeating until he was half-way to the cliff. He was sleepwalking, Minho thought, as he watched Thomas from afar. “NOT AGAIN” He shouted this time, and he was looking at the sky. “YOU ASKED ME” he screamed. “I DID WHAT YOU ASKED ME”. And then he ripped his bandages off, and scratched his arms again. “LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried as his arms bled again. Minho didn’t know what he was talking about, or even who he was talking to, but he needed to make him stop, and this time he would. He ran to Thomas and pinned him to the ground. “BRENDA! JORGE!” he called, trying to cover Thomas's shrieks. Minho knew all Paradise was awake now, because lights were on in every house.

Minho maintained Thomas's arms far from each other, he was laying on him, one arm in each hand, and he could feel Thomas's blood flow under his palms. “It’s okay Thomas” he said, and Brenda was coming to them with Jorge. “We need Jeff” Minho gasped, because Thomas was so nervous he needed all his strength to hold him. Jorge went to the homestead and Brenda seized one of Thomas’s arms. “I’m sorry” his voice cracked and he was now shaking and trembling and crying. “I’m so sorry” he repeated twice in a broken voice. “It’s okay Thomas, wake up now” Minho gently said to him, hoping that he would hear him from where his mind was. But Thomas kept moaning that he was sorry, that he should have done something else, anything else. “What is he talking about?” Minho asked, and Brenda shook her head to tell she didn’t know, even though she did.

Jorge came back with Jeff. The latter didn’t go slowly and almost shouted to his hear: “Wake up Thomas!”. And he came back to himself, panicked; his eyes looked exactly like the morning Minho found him on the creek: big, dark and scared. They all took a step back to give him some air, and when Thomas saw Minho, his eyes filled with tears again and he cried. “I’m so sorry” he said again, but this time, the words seemed to have more sense in his mouth. “I’m so sorry Minho… I didn’t want to, I swear”. Minho didn’t have a clue about what Thomas was talking about, and he was surprised when Thomas almost jumped in his arms. “He told me I wasn’t a good friend… That… my word had no meaning, that I was a coward…”. He held Minho so tightly he couldn’t nearly breathe. “He told me everything about how he wanted to die, and how he got his limp, and…”. Newt! He was talking about Newt. Minho remembered so well the blond and his mad leg, and how he’d got that. He felt a tear running down his cheek. “And he begged me Minho, I swear he begged me… I didn’t want to… but he needed me to pull the trigger… He didn’t want to become a murderer… He didn’t want to eat people alive… He didn’t want to be a crank... So I pulled the trigger…”. 

Thomas’s voice broke again. Minho thought about it, put the words in order. Murderer. Crank. Trigger. He repeated these words at least ten times in his head. Newt was dead. He wasn’t a crank anymore. All of him was gone for good. And Thomas made this happen. Thomas had killed Newt.

“I’m so sorry Minho…” Thomas whispered as Minho pushed him away. Minho stared at him, trying to figure out what was happening inside of him. He should hate Thomas; he should despise him so much for killing his own best friend.

Thomas showed him the little piece of paper he always kept with him. Minho took it and read the words.

_Kill me. If you’ve ever been my friend, kill me._

He recognized Newt’s handwriting as soon as he saw it. Yes, he asked for this. Newt asked for his death, Thomas wasn’t lying. Minho couldn’t resist, he took Thomas back in his arms, and they cried together. “It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay”.

 


	4. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I always imagined Jeff making it to Paradise :O   
> Sorry for making you wait, but here it is !!!

“He needs time” Gally said as he sat down next to Thomas.

He thought he would be alone here, in the middle of the future kitchen that Frypan had demanded for a few weeks. As soon as they'd arrived in Paradise, everyone had chosen Thomas as their leader, but he had refused and Minho had volunteered for this role. So they created again this glade they’d left a few months ago, and built the same society. All jobs had been re-created and this time, everyone had chosen their part. They had been forced to create new jobs like teachers and nurses, because a lot of babies and kids lived there, but the builders, runners and medjacks were the firsts that had been reconstituted because Gally, Jeff and Minho were the only keepers still alive.

Thomas chose the builders. He'd done this because he was exhausted, he wasn’t able to run anymore, and he wasn’t able to spend every single second of his days with Minho. He liked him, of course he did, but the guilt he felt was already growing and he didn’t need Minho’s face to remind him what he'd done. And so he’d chosen the builders. Gally wasn’t his friend, but he wasn’t violent to him anymore. Plus, he liked this job, because he spent his days alone, in some places he had to build himself, and it was quiet and he could just focus on what he had to do. Thomas always found a place to eat alone, watching the others from afar, watching Minho.

Ever since he’d told him about Newt, Minho had acted weird with him. He didn’t seem to be angry, but he didn’t talk to him much either. They only saw each other on the evening, just before the curfew, and Minho was too quiet and Thomas was too shy to talk to him. He wanted Minho to talk to him first, but Thomas thought that he deserved what was happening. And Gally was right, he needed time.

“Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?” Thomas asked, and Gally looked surprised as he talked. It wasn’t a secret, Thomas didn’t like Gally, but he needed someone to talk to, someone who was there in the glade with them. And he felt like Gally could understand. He’d changed so much ever since their arrival here, he wasn’t the same person anymore. He seemed to care about everyone, he was part of the group, and he was nicer to everyone, even to Thomas. So Thomas had decided to trust him.

“Look” he quietly said. “I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, and honestly, I don’t care”. He swallowed and looked at Thomas. “But from what we all see, Minho really cares about you, more than he ever cared about anyone, except for Newt maybe. But still… He will forgive you, because he can’t stand you being far from him”. Thomas looked back at him, making eye contact for the first time in forever. “Are you sure?” he said and drank a bit. Gally acquiesced and smiled. “Yes Thomas, he just needs time to accept that Newt wanted to die”. Gally pronouncing these words made him think about the night he told Minho. Apparently he was sleepwalking and screamed so loud that he woke up all Paradise. So they all knew what kind of monster he was. They all saw him shouting and crying. And they all saw him in Minho’s arms. He wanted to be back in his arms. He wanted to hug him. And he wanted him to forgive him so badly. 

“I understand how you felt the whole time” Gally sighed looking back at the homestead where everyone was eating. Thomas was surprised; it was the first time Gally said something like that. How could he possibly understand? “Every time you see him, you think about Newt right?”. Thomas nodded. “Every time I see you, it reminds me of what I did to Chuck… It doesn’t hurt as it did at the beginning, but it still… makes me feel so monstrous”. Gally felt so pathetic, Thomas thought. It was the first time he saw him so vulnerable. It was the first time he was talking about Chuck. But Thomas hadn’t any grudge against him anymore. He knew how it felt to be under Wicked’s control, and even if Gally had tried to resist them, he couldn’t have. “It wasn’t you Gally… It was Wicked…

-I know but, I felt the dagger in my hand, I know I threw it and I watched it going through Chuck’s chest. I tried not to do it, but I couldn’t… And I’m sorry...”

Thomas looked him in the eyes. Gally was being sincere, he knew it. He’d never thought he could say it, but he did: “It’s okay” and then he added “I know the feeling; I nearly stabbed Minho and the other guy just before I had this thing out of my head”. Even more surprisingly, they laughed about that. It was the first time Thomas laughed. He couldn’t picture himself laughing in the glade or in the scorch. It felt like it was something new to him, and it felt good and weird in the same time, because it was happening with the last person he thought it would. So it felt great.

They ate their meals silently, and for the first time, Thomas thought he could be friend with Gally. Maybe he wasn’t the bad person he thought he was. “Back to work” the keeper said. “Yep”. Gally took Thomas’s empty plate. “Don’t forget he just needs time” and then he turned back and went to Frypan.

 

**

 

“How are you feeling?” Jeff said while he was removing Thomas’s bandages. “I’m okay” Thomas answered. He was looking at his delicate movements, the boy was trying very hard not to hurt Thomas more than he already was. He observed the wounds that were slowly turning into scars and went to the shelf at the end of the room. He came back a few seconds later with a bottle of disinfectant and new long plasters. “How did you get that?” Thomas asked, he remembered so well the day they got here, and it didn’t include this kind of thing. “The explorers found a hidden box in the middle of the woods. We have enough stuff to survive for a decade. Minho didn’t tell you?”. Thomas shook his head. Of course Minho didn’t tell him, he hadn’t told him anything for so long, he wasn’t even sure they were still friends. But he refused this idea. Brenda didn’t say anything either. She was with Minho, she was always with Minho and so she was with him when he found this box, or at least she was aware of that. Why didn't she tell him?

“Thomas… Are you okay?” Jeff said, clapping his fingers in front of Thomas’s eyes. “Yeah… I am… Sorry, what were you saying?

-I was telling you to put this cream on your arms every evening, and take these pills. It’s for the pain”

Thomas took the two jars Jeff was handing him, one full of medicines, the other full of a thick white paste. He was disgusted by the last one. “It’ll help the healing” Jeff added as if it could make Thomas less disgusted. Thomas nodded and started to leave the room without looking back. He liked Jeff, he was a good guy, always ready to help anyone, but he didn’t like the homestead. He went across a corridor, took another one and went out of the building with the medics Jeff gave him.

 

He closed the note-book and hid it under his clothes. In the same time, he took the cream and the pills, and swallowed one of these. Then he opened the little jar and put the cap on the bed. He lifted the plaster and looked at the wounds. It was absolutely awful, they were half a dozen shades of brown, and some were still open. Dry, but open. Thomas put a bit of cream on the tip of his fingers and rubbed it on his injuries. He held back a cry of pain and jumped a little, he didn’t think it would still hurt. 

“Need any help?” someone said, and he saw Minho standing on the door frame. He stared at him for a second, he was shirtless and only got pants on. Thomas didn’t remember that Minho’s muscles were so bulging, neither on his arms and nor on his abs. He’d changed a lot these past few months. “I can do it myself” Thomas answered and he focused back on his own arms. It hurt so much, but he didn’t want anyone’s help, especially not Minho’s. He hated when his friend saw him weak.

“Let me help you shuck face”. Minho sat down on Thomas’s bed, next to him. His hair was still wet. Minho put his fingertips on Thomas's forearm and massaged it slowly. It didn’t hurt. Thomas said nothing, too busy staring at his friend. He wanted him to talk, to make the first step, but he knew him and he wouldn’t do it. So he just waited.

Minho did the same thing on the other arm, still slowly, very gently. He said nothing and Thomas couldn’t bare it.

“Are you still mad at me?” he asked like a children who did a big foolishness. Minho glanced at him. “Don’t be stupid… Of course I still am”. Thomas looked at his feet. He felt so offended by the ton of his friend, as if it was obvious. He waited for Minho to be done with his arms and when he did, he stood and went out of the room. “Thomas wait” Minho said as he opened the door. “What? I get it Minho, I understand! No need to make me feel worse!”. Minho knit his eyebrows and Thomas saw rage on his face. “Are you serious? You have to be kidding me Thomas! Do you know what it’s like to see your face every day? You murdered my best friend! I've lived with him for two years, I saved him when he tried to die, I helped him getting better, I took care of him! I comforted him when he as crying during the night because the lack of memory was too hard to handle! I was his friend! I WAS HIS FRIEND, AND YOU WERE MINE! And you… you killed him…”. Minho’s words pierced through Thomas like an arrow in his chest. They never talked about the Glade before him, and now Minho was just using it to hurt him. But he didn’t know… he would never know what it was. “YOU must be kidding me Minho! You think I pulled the trigger because I wanted to? You think I didn’t give a shit about him? Of course, I’m a murderer and I loved hearing him begging me for ten minutes, maybe more! I can’t look at you in the eyes without thinking about it. I can barely look at myself! You think it’s easy huh? That I’ll get through it? But let me tell you, I will NEVER get through this, I’ll always have those nightmares, and his last words in my head! You know what? I wish I were you! I wish I’d just have to grieve and let him become a perfect memory in my head! But I can’t because I SAW him, I HEARD him, and I KILLED him. He was my friend, and YOU are my friend too! But HE will always be the boy I killed. So stop telling me that I’m a monster, because I know that, I know that too well Minho…”. They both said nothing, staring at each other in a defiant look. Minho didn’t mean everything he said to Thomas, he was furious about what he did, but he knew that Newt asked for it and that was what he didn’t understand. He thought that maybe Newt wouldn’t give up on his life twice. As for Thomas, he meant everything he said, and he felt relieved as he put it off his chest. 

“I’m sorry Thomas… I…

-Guess we're not friends anymore?”

Thomas said in a crisply ton. Minho sighed and looked away; he didn’t want to lose him. He couldn’t. “I… Thomas… I can’t do this anymore…

-DO WHAT?”

Thomas couldn’t bare Minho’s attitude, he was angry at him and suddenly became so nice and shy. He didn’t want to be more hurt than he already was, so he slammed the door behind him and went to the kitchen he was working on. It was the only place he could be alone.

“Thomas wait!” Minho shouted as he followed him. Thomas accelerated, he didn’t want things to get worse with Minho so he went on, pretended he didn't listen. “THOMAS” Minho shouted louder, and as if he could control the weather, a rumble of thunder resounded around them. “WHAT NOW?” Thomas said with the same voice, covering this noise. “What do you want? You wanna tell me how much I disgust you? How you’re angry at me and how this rage against me will never end? Go on! I can hear everything from you now!”. Thomas had stopped, but Minho continued until he could see his face perfectly. He looked so sad, and so torn. “I AM angry at you Thomas… And you can’t imagine how I felt when I found you on the creek…” he began, but he was not livid anymore. His voice was quieter. “I was so angry at you because I… I didn’t understand why you would leave me… After all we’d been through, how could you?”. Minho’s voice was shaking, his eyes were shining and a flash of lightning lit them more. “Now I’m not angry at you… I’m just trying to figure out a way to deal with everything…”. Thomas didn’t understand, it was a weird turn of events. “I am mad at you because all this time, you didn’t tell me, you didn’t talk to me about that… You didn’t even think about me that night… How could you think of leaving me alone here… Without you…

-Minho, I thought about you just before I …

-And you did it anyway! You were going to leave me! And…”

This time rain began to fall on them and flashes of lightning were illuminating the world in a way they both thought impossible. It was worse than in the scorch. “I am selfish Thomas… I am so selfish! But I need you HERE with ME! Because I am nothing without you… I would have died if you were dead during the trials… And if you drowned, I would have drowned with you”. Another rumble of thunder and the rain kept falling, as if there was a curtain of water between them. Minho couldn’t bare the distance between them anymore. He jumped into Thomas’s arms and their lips touched violently.

 


	5. Flash Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a long time, I've been really busy these days, but here I am with a new chapter !!   
> I quite like Brenda's character, so I decided to write her a story.. I hope you don't hate her ! Enjoy xoxo

_He’d never felt something worse than this, this rage so profound and alive, as if he had a monster in his stomach that only wanted to get out and roar. He stared at the boy and spitted on his shoes. The boy raised an eye brow and his sight was so scornful that he felt the urge to spit again. But just before he did, Brenda grabbed his arm and squeezed it. The boy and the girl turned back and got out of the big white room. “I hate this guy” muttered Minho in a grunt. “I wish we could kill him” added the blond-haired boy on his left and Brenda took his arm too. She forced them to face her and said: “You try it, you die!_

_-Well… The trials are gonna kill us anyway!”_

_Minho exclaimed and Newt agreed with a nod. “Come on guys, you’re gonna be okay… maybe it’s gonna be like a summer camp or something…_

_-A summer camp? Brenda do you seriously think what you’re saying?”_

_Minho sighed as Newt was arguing with Brenda; he knew exactly what she thought, and also what Newt thought. “They’re gonna throw us in the middle of nowhere, with killing creatures around… Yeah, summer camp!”. Brenda sighed as well. She hated when Newt did this, but he was right. She was always trying to remain positive, to think that maybe it won’t be that bad and that all was gonna be alright, but the boys were always there to shatter her hopes down. They weren’t positive, but they were realistic. “Okay guys, we get it, Thomas and Teresa are freaking psychos, but we can’t do anything! I don’t wanna die! And I intend to survive to the trials Newt!”. Minho sighed again. “Oh god! I hate those names they gave us!” he added scratching his skull a little. The blond sighed too. “Yeah me too, but it’s been too long now, I can’t remember my real name…_

_-Me neither… That’s sad dude!_

_-So sad…”_

_Brenda gently punched Minho in the belly. “Please guys, can you stop whining for a sec?” she said and the guys hugged her to make up for they’re clumsiness. They both knew she was the most worried about what would happen next, because she was a girl. She didn’t get along with the girls at all, and she knew she would still be sent with them for the trials. Newt kissed her on the cheek and smiled. “It’s gonna be okay, if you’re lucky you’ll be sent last and we’ll find each other again soon after…”. He didn’t believe a word he said, but he had to do that for her. Minho kissed her on the other cheek and they hugged again._

_Thomas and the other girl were watching them from afar. She was the girl assigned to the girl’s group. Rachel was her name. And her partner was a guy named Aris, but they didn’t see him that much. While he wasn’t with Rachel, he was with Teresa which they didn’t see much either, except when she was with Thomas. So Rachel and Thomas were watching them from afar. Yes, them. Minho, Newt and Brenda. A worried look on the face, they seemed to have a lively conversation._

“ _I wanna go with you guys… I don’t wanna die with you far from me…”_

_Brenda was crying. She knew all her friends were going the next day. Alby, Newt, Minho, George. They were all friends, and she loved Minho and Newt more than she ever loved anyone, and they were all going the next day for the beginning of the trials._

“ _Come on sweetie, you’re not gonna die” Newt whispered, squeezing her hand in his. “Are you seriously calling me that?” she laughed and Minho laughed to. “You’re right!” Newt added “We should create our own language”. They all laughed and hugged again. It was official goodbyes now, and they had to laugh because otherwise, they were all going to cry._

_Janson entered the room and clapped his hands. “The eight first, come with me, it’s time”. Newt and Minho stared at Brenda; she could see profound sadness in their eyes. They both turned to Alby and George who were already near Janson, and the four first girls. “Hey boys” she called them one last time and they turned to see her. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “If I don’t see you on the other side… Remember that I love you” she sighed. Minho couldn’t help it, he wrapped her in his arms again, and Newt wrapped his arms around both of them._

“ _NO TIME FOR LOVE” Janson shouted. “I hate him” Brenda whispered and the boys nodded. Minho kissed her cheek one last time, and only let go of her hand as he was walking away. Newt wiped his tears as they reached Alby, George, Janson and the girls. She watched them going out of the room, and disappearing in some tunnels she would discover later… probably when her time would come._

 

_**_

 

_“LET ME OUT” the boy shouted again, punching the wall again and again. He had been crying and shouting for a few hours, and Brenda had been watching and listening to this torture for hours too. She’d found a way to spy on the control room. She’d found it weeks ago, but the screens were off back then. Now they were all on, and she could perfectly see the four boys, her friends, trapped in this giant glade, all by themselves, trying to find a way out._

“ _LET ME OUT” the blond-haired shrieked again. His fists were bleeding, and so were his arms. He'd been punching the walls for hours. Brenda held back a sob, she couldn’t handle it. Newt was terrified; she’d never seen him like that._

_Minho appeared on the same screen as Newt. She smiled, she knew he was going to comfort him, reassure him. But none of that happened. Minho looked furious, he walked to Newt staring at him as if he was going to kill him. “Hey you! What are you doing?” he yelled at the blond-haired. Newt’s face turned bright red as he leaned on the wall and cried. “What did you do to me? What have I done to you?” he whispered, wiping his tears away. Brenda knew Minho couldn’t be angry at Newt, that he was going to help him get better. But why was Newt acting like he was scared of Minho? They were best friends! “We’re the same shuck face! You’re not the first to arrive, and I don’t think you’ll be the last! What’s your name?” Minho fling with a disdain snuffle._

_Brenda was in shock. Minho knew his name. Of course he knew. They were best friends. They were the best friends in the world. Like brothers. And he asked? Newt didn’t look surprised, or upset or anything. He was just terrified of the guy that seemed to impose himself as a leader._

“ _I’m Newt…” he whispered. “I think…”. The Asian boy stared at him up and down. “Don’t be scared shuck face… I’m not gonna eat you. I’m Minho” he said and they held hands. “This is George, and here’s Alby… First in command” he went on, showing the pale-skinned and the dark-skinned in turns._

_Brenda understood. They didn’t know each other. Not anymore._

 

_**_

“ _We need to get rid of the girl” Janson exclaimed, and Brenda didn’t pay much attention. She was staring at the big screen. There were so many calculations on it, with numbers, letters and percentage. She didn’t understand these, but the results were clear, and Janson had pronounced it so clearly. She was the girl, and they needed to get rid of her. “Are you serious?” Thomas shouted from the other end of the long and large table. The fifty people around it turned to him, and so did Brenda. He was up, an angry look on the face. “I beg your pardon?” Janson said, offended by the position Thomas was taking, and so he stood up too. “I’m going to be extremely clear Thomas, the four of you are here only because the papers ask for it. But if I need to, I’ll throw you out myself.”. Brenda looked at them in turns. They were both furious. “Chancellor Paige wouldn’t be pleased about that, don’t you think?”. Janson’s face turned bright red and he sat back. “Very good” Thomas went on. “So, Mr. Janson, we’re not gonna get rid of that girl. She’s here because she’s potentially very clever right?”. Everyone in the room acquiesced, except for Janson and two other people. “Good. Even though the guy died, doesn’t mean she has to die too. She can be useful here, and Mr. Janson?”. The guy was staring at him with so much anger, it terrified Brenda. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy to find her when the four of us won’t be able to... help you anymore”._

 

_On these words, he got out of the room. Whispers went around the room and after a few minutes, they all left. Brenda thought she was alone, but a girl came to her. She looked like an Asian teenager, with her slanting dark eyes and her black hair. She smiled at her. “Don’t worry… Brenda?” she nodded. “It’s gonna be okay, Teresa and Janson won’t get what they want… and Thomas is right, you can be pretty useful here”. Then she went out of the room, and after a few seconds Brenda followed her, leaving the calculations and her imminent death behind her._

_She walked through a corridor, and another. They were all so dark and scary. When she arrived at the end of the third one, she heard someone scream. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” it was a girl’s voice, and she wasn’t happy. “YOU ARE SUICIDAL THOMAS!”. It was Teresa. The cold, unfriendly, wicked Teresa. Brenda stopped and listened to the conversation. “You’re going to ruin EVERY THING with your stupid instinct of savior Thomas! Who cares about this subject?_

_-I care, and SHE is a person, not a subject. You’re starting to talk exactly like Janson Teresa, and I hate that…_

_-But HE IS RIGHT!_

_-I won’t let him or anyone kill that poor girl! She didn’t ask for anything that is happening to her! She doesn’t deserve to die… Imagine you were her…_

_-But I’m not her Thomas… It’s completely different!_

_-IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME! You’ll kill her only because the guy died? I didn’t think you were that kind of person…”_

_A chair squealed on the floor, and she heard movements behind the door. “Thomas wait…_

_-No, Teresa, I’m tired of waiting! I’ll save this girl whether you like it or not”_

_Brenda leaned to the wall as the door opened and she saw Thomas getting out of the room. He was angry. He put his jacket on his back and slammed the door behind him. Despite the darkness, he recognized Brenda immediately. He stared at her for a second and walked away without a word. Brenda sighed, she knew he was fighting for her._

 

**

 

Brenda woke up in a jump. She was sweating and after a while, breathing again in the dark, she realized she’d cried. She’d dreamt too much these past few weeks, and the more she dreamt, the more she felt emotions she thought she had burried for long. After understanding that things would never get back to normal with the boys, she’d decided not to feel anything anymore for anyone, because it hurt too much. But now that they were safe, all her sorrow was coming back, and Thomas's confession about killing Newt had made her so sad. Of course, she knew Newt had asked for it, but it was as if her heart was sunk on a burning iron. She loved Thomas, and she loved Newt even more, and she didn’t know if she should be mad at him, or just accept the sad truth.

She stood and went out of the house. She didn’t want to go back to sleep yet, and so she walked along the cliff, and sat at a point, far from the kitchen, the homestead, and the few houses that were describing a village. There were no lights, only the moon was shiny enough to lighten the sea. She lied down and looked at it.

After a while, she felt someone lying next to her. “I’ve never seen a full moon before” she heard and recognized the voice immediately. It was Thomas. “You have… Believe me” she answered. “What do you know about me that I don’t?

-Oh god! A lot!”

She exclaimed and they laughed at it. “The worst is that I can’t even say the same about you…” he sighed and she sat to face him. He followed her and they stared at each other for a few seconds. “You know nothing about yourself Thomas…

-About you either…”

She nodded and he smiled. “Will you ever tell me?” he said. “You don’t need to know… You don’t want to…

-Of course I want to…

-No…”

He looked back at the sea and bit his lower lip. “Will you ever tell me about you then?”. She said no with her head. He faced her again, and he noticed she was closer to him. “The only thing you need to know is that…” she approached a little more and their noses were touching. “You saved me…” and then she kissed him slowly. He didn’t respond. But he didn’t push her away.

 


	6. Again

A breath. A step. Again and again. He was fleeing, running away all this. Again he felt like he wasn’t good where he was, that he shouldn’t even be here with them. “I should be dead” he thought “yeah, I should have shot myself after I shot him”. These last few days, he thought he was okay, that he was beginning to feel a tiny bit better. But he wasn’t.

A breath. A step. Again and again. He was seeing him, hearing him, feeling him all around. He was there, not far but so far at the same time. He was haunting him down. What was he trying to do? What was the point in all this? He did what he had to, and it wasn’t enough? He had to pay for this?

A breath. A step. Again and again. He didn’t see what was around him. He was just feeling things grazing his face and arms. Scratches, more scratches, he felt the pain, but he kept going. He didn’t care. Why would he? He would die at some point, right? He would die sooner or later! So why not now? After all, THIS hadn’t any goal. He would spend the rest of his life hiding behind some kitchen or hut he would build? Great!

“We’re all _bloody_ inspired” he heard in the dark, and the voice made him stop suddenly. He really breathed for the first time in hours. He was here again; he was watching him, spying on him. It was a living hell. Thomas turned, and turned again, but he didn’t see him, and so he started running again.

A breath. A step. Again and again. He felt his lungs emptying without filling up again. But he didn’t care. Why would he? Why? That was a question without any answers that he’s been dwelling on for days and weeks and months, and there still weren’t any answers. There will never be one.

He was here, near a tree. They were in the forest. And Newt was here, with him. He had scratches and bruises all over his body, his clothes were torn apart and he was bare footed. A furious but sad expression was readable on his face, his ravaged face. He had dry blood on the cheeks and the chin, and had dark rings under the eyes. And just between his eyebrows, there was a dark circle from where blood was flowing.

Thomas stopped as he saw him. He was dead, he wasn’t here, his mind was messing with him again. It wasn’t possible. He hadn’t even seen him after he killed him. He’d just closed his eyes and run to the van. It wasn’t possible. But Newt was here, standing near the tree, hands on his pocket, a smile on the face.

“What do you want from me now?” Thomas whispered, trying to catch his breath again. Newt’s smile widened and he approached a little. But he didn’t talk. Thomas fell on his knees. He was sick of everything, sick of his friend messing with him, sick of his mind showing him things he didn’t want to see. “You’re not here” he said. “You’re not here, you’re dead”. Newt raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms on his chest. “Who are you talking to then?” he said in a cold indifferent ton. Thomas gasped, he felt tears going up to his eyes and his throat tightened. “You’re dead” Thomas repeated, he knew it too well. “Of course I am, you killed me, Tommy” Newt answered as if the conversation wasn’t weird enough. “You did what I asked you, a little bit late… But you did it!

-          WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN?”

Thomas shouted and his voice echoed in the dark woods. It was too much, he couldn’t handle that, the blood on his hands last months was nothing compared to this. He couldn’t let his friend haunt him, make like he was still alive. He didn’t even know if he was angry at him, or if he just wanted to see him. Everything was so complicated.

Thomas’s hands fell on the ground and he tried to catch his breath again, he was gasping for air, he needed air. It was as if an invisible iron hand was tightening his neck stronger and stronger. “It’s okay Thomas. It’s okay” Newt whispered as he was sitting next to him. Cross-legged, he was staring at him, a hand on his shoulder. Thomas could feel his hand; he could feel the warmth of his hand on his shoulder, his fingers slowly squeezing it.

He breathed better. “It’s okay Thomas” Newt repeated in a caring voice. Thomas felt the tears rolling down his face and he faced his friend, devastated. “Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you going somewhere else? Go to heaven or something!” he muttered, fixing his gaze on Newt’s dark eyes. “I can’t” he said. “I can’t leave you here… alone” Newt murmured, looking away from Thomas. “You can’t?” he asked, trying not to keep a cool head. “No, I can’t… It’s beyond me…”. Thomas opened his eyes wide and jumped in fury. He was back on his feet, and disgusted by his friend. “YOU CAN’T?” he yelled and his voice echoed again. “Because you think I was able to kill you?” he said in a threatening voice. “You think I was psychologically ready to kill you? That it wasn’t beyond me?”. His voice broke. “Look what you did to me Newt… I’m a mess… I’m a mess because of you…” he showed his scars and bruises on his arms. “You’re driving me insane… You’re dead and still making my life a living hell! You and Minho were my best friends, now you’re dead, and he hates me… It’s all your fault… It’s all your fault and you keep making it worse…” he was crying, and Newt’s face looked so sad but he didn’t feel ounce of guilt about that. “Just go away and never come back… You’re supposed to be dead Newt. Gone forever… Please act like it!”.

The blood reappeared on his arms and he panicked. “Stop it” he shouted and fell on his knees again. He thrust his nails on his arms and scratched it so fiercely he bled again. Newt was so close now, he held a gun on his head, and at the exact same place Thomas held it just before he killed him. He looked at Newt in the eyes, they were both crying now. “Stop it…” he stifled. “Please, Newt… Please”. And as gunshot resonated on the forest, Thomas’s cold body fell on the ground.

 

**

 

            “YOU FOUND HIM?” Brenda shouted at Minho, but he didn’t reply. Thomas wasn’t on the creek this time. He wasn’t on the cliff, neither in the homestead, nor on his kitchen. Where was he? Why was he always disappearing during the night? He couldn’t be in the forest, he didn’t know it, he hadn’t been in it once. But what if he was sleepwalking again? What if he did something worse than the first time? “Oh god I hate you” Minho thought, but he kept it to himself.

Jorge and Frypan came back. “Gally haven’t seen him since yesterday…

-          So have Jeff...”

They said nearly at the same time. Brenda came back in a run. “Not on the school either… He’s nowhere!” she exclaimed and a worried wrinkle appeared between her eyes. Jorge looked at her. “Yes, I strode across the cliff for a pretty long time and he’s not in the sea… I didn’t see… a floating body”. They all stared at each other, and Minho exchanged a look with Jorge. They knew what they had to do now.

Minho ran to the homestead and rang the emergency bell; they’d called it that way to gather all Paradise together in case something bad was happening. Everyone was here in less than five minutes. Without waiting more, Minho jumped on the tiny stage and spoke loudly. “We need everyone’s help. Thomas has disappeared again… But this time, we can’t find him. Jorge, Frypan, Gally, the runners and the apprentice are coming with me in the forest. We’ll need some medjacks, and every single one of you has to tell us if you see him. Every keeper has a talkie watch, if you see Thomas, go to a keeper and tell him. It’s important, we can’t let one of ours dying in the middle of nowhere!”

He jumped from the stage as the runners and apprentice came to him. “I know it’s supposed to be an off-day guys but we have to find him… I don’t care if you’re tired, or just a grumpy asshole, we need to find Thomas! Ready?”. Everyone acquiesced and he was relieved that no one refuted him. “Great… Jeff, I need your two best shanks…” Jeff nodded, he remembered the last time Thomas had disappeared, and it hadn’t been good, there were no reasons that this time as different. Jeff sent two guys to Minho, they had all they needed to save someone’s life in each bags. “Okay runners! Let’s go”. And they all dived into the dark woods.

 

After three hours of running, three hours of finding nothing, they all came back to the homestead. Minho was desperate, he wanted to scream, to cry, to punch everything he could find. He couldn’t lose Thomas, even though he had done horrible things, Thomas was still Thomas and he couldn’t handle another loss right now. Brenda was out of breath, and her eyes were shining with tears. “Where is he?” she said for herself. She gnawed her nails, holding back a sob. “I don’t know” Minho said, and he took her in his arms. “I’m gonna back” he whispered. He took a step back and heard his talkie watch crackle. Someone was trying to talk.

“Found him… He’s… the box”

He didn’t need all the words to understand. He looked at the crowed that went with them and didn’t see Gally. It was Gally. Gally found him.

“Medjack”

He heard again and he immediately acted. “YOU” he shouted and pointed at one of the two guys of Jeff. “COME WITH ME”. And then he came back in the forest as fast as he could. He knew by heart the path to the box, and he felt his heart growing stronger in his chest as he ran. Thomas, they found Thomas.

Minho looked back, verifying the medjack was following him. They ran straight to the box and when they arrived there, they saw Gally leaned on a pale, dead body. Thomas’s dead body.

Minho pushed Gally away and fell on his knees. “Thomas!” he said and took his hand to feel his pulse. There was none. “DO SOMETHING” he bayed to the medjack. He heart massaged Thomas to make his heart beat again, but the more he did, the less it worked. The medjack wrapped him in a survival blanket without conviction.

Minho squeezed Thomas’s hand. “GO AWAY” he shouted again, and they felt all his pain. He put his face on Thomas’s chest and let it all out. He cried, he cried so much he thought that had never happened and would never happen again. How could it? Could he live worse than what he lived now? It wasn’t possible.

“You’re not dead” he whispered, and looked at Thomas’s face. He looked calm for the first time in forever. There wasn’t any pain, or sorrow, or any questions on his traits. He was sleeping.

Minho felt the hole growing in his chest, it wasn’t bearable anymore. He was empty. He was alone, and he would be forever. “You’re not dead” he repeated in a sob, he couldn’t stop crying. He squeezed his hand in both of his. They were so cold, so fragile. “Why are you doing this to me?” he gasped and pushed Thomas’s hair away from his closed eyes. “I hate you so much”. He kissed his forehead and let go of his hand. He put it on his chest, and did the same with the other one. A tear fell on their joined hands. He couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t true. He wasn’t dead. Not really. “I hate you so much” he repeated and lied next to him. “I love you so much”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't posted this sooner, and also I'm sorry about what I've just done.   
> I won't be very active for a while guys, because I'm working on something else at the same time so yeah... Sorry again !


	7. The Leader

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been out for long, but I have to do a semi-hiatus, I'll post as often as possible... Enjoy !!

His legs were hanging in the void under him. He could not think properly, he could not think at all. How did everything become so messed up? When did he do something bad enough to take him everything he had, or almost? He was so focused on everyone else that he didn’t see. But he saw everything about him. He saw every tiny detail of him. How could he not notice something that bad? How? What was happening? What will happen now? It was as if he was empty on the inside… No, he WAS empty, totally completely empty. There was nothing left in him. No, nothing but a wasted love that he could not declare again. Once, only once. It was not enough, but at the very moment, it felt that way. He had been so scared to say it, so concentrated on that fear that he didn’t even think about worse than that. And now everything was just hanging on a deep void with no end or escape.

“You have to eat” someone whispered behind him. Minho saw Gally sitting next to him, with an apple in a hand. Minho considered taking a bite in it, but just the thought of it made him sick. “Not hungry” he forced himself to talk. He didn’t even want to see anyone. He just wanted to be alone, here and never be with someone again. Because he tried it and in the end it hurt so much he would rather die than hanging to a life that had almost no meaning anymore. He was tired of everything, exhausted and so damaged. “Minho…” Gally began in a murmur but Minho sighed to make him shut up. He didn’t need to hear anyone’s crap, and certainly not Gally’s. “Please just…” he tried again, and failed again. Minho wasn’t angry at him, he just wanted him to keep it quiet for now. And so they stayed here for a few seconds, quietly sited on the edge of the cliff.

“I just… don’t understand…” Minho whispered after a while, and it had been so long he hadn’t talk that his voice was hoarse. “He was just lying on the floor… There was nothing… Absolutely nothing… just him… I don’t understand…” his voice broke, he tried to go on, but he couldn’t. He gasped several times, tried to find his breathe again but he couldn’t. The memory of Thomas that night was still so strong. It had been a week, and it was still printed on his retina. He remembered so well how relieved he felt when he’d heard Gally’s voice from the talkie watch and how every inch of him broke when he saw Thomas. How he just felt all his blood and organs falling down the ground. His heart had broken in thousands of pieces he knew he would never find again. He was destroyed.

“It’s okay” Gally said as he hugged him as softly as possible. He didn’t like Minho much, but he hated seeing him like this. They had lived together for years, and he’d never seen him that way. He needed someone, because he had no one. Minho had always ignored him in some way, yet he felt like they were linked by similar experience. Frypan and Jeff were still here, but that was all. The others had disappeared or were dead, and the girls were different. They didn’t seem that traumatized by everything that happened. Minho and he were in the same ship. And Minho needed help.

“I can’t even go in the homestead… I’m so scared of what I’m gonna see” Minho said, wiping his tears, taking back control of his voice. Gally stared at him; he definitely had sympathy for the boy. “It’s like… he’s asleep” he answered. “It’s okay if you don’t wanna go…

-          It’s not that I don’t want to… It’s just that… I don’t think I’m strong enough”

He glanced at Gally, waiting for his reaction, but the boy said nothing; he understood Minho’s fear. “You want me to come with you?” he asked and Minho was surprised. Was he really becoming friend with Gally? Anyway, he acquiesced. He wanted to see Thomas, and maybe if he was with someone, he wouldn’t be scared anymore.

 

Gally was waiting for him outside the room. He said he needed to be alone with Thomas; that he was just behind the door if Minho needed. So he came in the room and sat next to the bed where Thomas was lying. His eyes were shut and his hands were still joined, as if he hadn’t move since Minho had put him this way in the forest. Minho put his hand on Thomas’s chest and felt his heartbeat. He was relieved; he wasn’t dead, not yet. The medjacks had done there work pretty well by bringing him back to life. But he feared that it wouldn’t last. What if his heart just stopped? What if he never opened his eyes again?

He took one of his hands and kissed it slowly. He didn’t know how, but he remembered some fairy tales he’d heard once, and it said that a true-love kiss could cure everything. Maybe it was true, maybe it could cure everything, wake Thomas up. But it didn’t. The tiny hope that had grown on Minho’s chest faded and he let a tear out. He went up on the bed and lied down next to Thomas. He just needed him.

His mouth near Thomas’s ear, he said: “Don’t go”. He held back a sob, he wanted to talk to him. He inhaled with difficulty and went on. “I’m sorry for everything, I didn’t mean anything… I just…”. He buried his nose in his neck as he cried. “Please don’t leave me… I… I love you so much… if you only knew how it hurts seeing you this way…” He kissed his neck slowly and stayed here, listening to his heartbeat, thinking that maybe he would wake up. “I love you Thomas…” he said again. “I promise I’ll love you for the rest of my life… I promise, just please… Give me a chance”. He stared at his peaceful face again, trying to see a sign telling him that he heard and understood everything he said. But he saw nothing.

 

**

 

_“He will be one of the four” Teresa said, pointing the Asian boy sitting with the blond-haired and one of the girls. Thomas was staring at the boy she pointed for a long time. The three of them were here for hours, talking about something he couldn’t know._

_He was the strongest, the tough one. He was the best leader they could find. Minho, Janson had named him. It was the first name of Minho Lee Zu, the man who freed North Korea after the civil war in 2096. He had been the leader of a resistance group and the hero of several generations after that. And the fourth world war happened and his name fell in oblivion. But Janson had thought that naming subjects like really old scientists, savants and saviors was a good idea. Himself didn’t know his real name, he was too young when he arrived here to remember his real name. He was Thomas and that was it. And so was Teresa._

_“Thomas, I feel like you’re never listening to me” Teresa sighed and forced him to face her. “Yes, I’m listening” he answered but she knew it was a lie. “I was telling you that the Asian… Minho, was the leader. Janson wanted us to find nicknames for every single one of them. Minho is the leader”. Thomas stared at her. She knew how much he hated Janson, but she made him do whatever he wanted anyway. “Great, go tell him then. I hate being in the same room as this man”. She frowned and took her chin between her fingers. “Thomas, please, stop being such a grumpy kid… We’re here for a reason, and we have no other choice. If you were nicer the task wouldn’t be that painful”. She looked him in the eyes. “I know you Thomas. I know you hate what we do, and believe me I don’t enjoy it either. But we have to find this cure and we have to do everything we can in order to succeed… Please, don’t make him hate you more”. He stared back at her. She was right, she was always right. And even if he hated this work, he hated even more the idea of dying. He took a deep breath and said: “So, Minho’s the leader. What’s Newt’s name?”. Teresa smiled at him, she always found a way to cheer him up. “Have you seen how he acts every time there’s a struggle in the boy’s group? It’s like he sticks them together… He’s kind of…. The Glue of the group!_

-          _Well then, the Glue”_

_He concentrated his attention back on the three teens in the white room. They were laughing, and sometimes Minho was glancing at the window. Thomas perfectly knew Minho hated him, as did every single one of them, but he liked the Asian boy. He was tough and brave and wasn’t scared of anything. His only weakness was that he always wanted to save his friends. But he wouldn’t fear this anymore once he would have his memory erased._

**

 

As soon as he heard the voice, Thomas recognized it. It was Minho’s. He was pronouncing his name and a few other words that he didn’t quite understand. But Minho was with him, and it meant that he wasn’t dead. In a titanic effort, Thomas opened his eyes a bit. His eyelids were heavy but his friend appeared in his field of vision. He shut his eyes and then blinked a few times to get used to the white light of the room. He felt his hand being squeezed and Minho talked again. “Oh my god…” he understood this time. Thomas opened his eyes entirely and realized where he was. The light was bright white and the walls a bit darker. He was lying on his back on a hard bed, covered by several blankets that made him feel warm. He felt weak and he had a terrible headache. But he breathed and he felt no pain between his eyes.

“Oh Thomas…” his friend whispered and squeezed his hand tighter. Thomas looked at him, and he felt a throbbing pain on the back of his skull. But Minho was here, and he didn’t care about anything else. He tried to smile and said: “Hey”. A whisper came out of his mouth, and he was surprised to realize how weak he felt. He saw a bright smile taking shape on Minho’s face, and his eyes shined as he said: “You’re alive”. Thomas nodded and they just stared at each other.

Minho’s face looked completely different than in Thomas’s memory. His eyes were darker and smaller, and they were underlined by two huge dark rings. His face seemed thinner and his skin paler. “You look tired” Thomas said in a husky voice and he coughed because his throat was dry. Minho understood straight away and gave him a glass of water. He helped him drink it and put the glass back on the bedside table.

“You looked dead” he replied and Thomas laughed a little, but Minho didn’t. Silence filled the room as they stared at each other. Minho hasn’t released Thomas’s hand. He sat back and leaned his chin on Thomas’s forearm. “I’m glad you’re back” he sighed and closed his eyes for a second. Thomas squeezed Minho’s hand back. “I’m glad too” he said and closed his eyes too. He didn’t know if it was a lie. It had come out instinctively, and he’d always thought that instinct was the truth. But after he thought about it, he wasn’t so sure. But still, he was glad to be with Minho.

“Do you remember what happened?” Minho asked after a few minutes of silence. Thomas didn’t remember exactly, but he could picture so well Newt’s face… He could hear his own voice imploring, and the gunshot… “I don’t know” he said and this time, he was lying. Minho looked at him in the eyes and a sad smile appeared on his face. “It’s okay…” he said, drawing circles on the back of Thomas’s hand with his thumb. “It’s okay”.

They stayed here for half an hour, doing nothing but enjoying each other’s presence. Minho wanted to hug Thomas, to kiss him, tell him he would never leave him alone again. But he couldn’t, Thomas had just awoken and he had to give him time to get better. He didn’t want Thomas to feel worse. So he just settled for Thomas’s hand in his.

“I’m sorry about Newt” Thomas finally sighed. “I should have told you, I was so scared…

-          It’s okay” Minho cut him off. “I imagine how hard it might have been for you. He wanted you to kill him, and you did…

-          Minho, I…

-          Thomas, listen to me! While you were… out, I had a lot of time to think! And I get it now. Newt asked you because he knew I wouldn’t have been able to do it. You’re braver than me, and you don’t have to be sorry about that… And…”

Thomas looked away. He wanted to cry, but not in front of Minho. His friend forced him to look at him, taking his chin between his fingers. “And I don’t want to lose you too Thomas…” he whispered, fixing his gaze on him. Thomas smiled a little as a tear rolled on his cheek. “You’re not gonna lose me” he promised.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think about it ! Hope you enjoyed xoxo


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